


The Letter

by TheStrangeSeaWolf



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: #HellOfABird, Acceptance, Depression, Episode: s09e11 Heaven Sent, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Letters, Love Confessions, Post-Episode: s09e12 Hell Bent, Resilience, letting go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:08:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23628202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheStrangeSeaWolf/pseuds/TheStrangeSeaWolf
Summary: The thought of her Doctor having tortured himself for 4.5 billion years haunts Clara every day of her life. Or is it an afterlife if you travel the universe without a heartbeat together with another factual immortal? She would do everything to spare him this pain. Is it impossible?
Relationships: Twelfth Doctor & Clara Oswin Oswald, Twelfth Doctor/Clara Oswin Oswald
Comments: 10
Kudos: 17





	The Letter

**Author's Note:**

> So, tomorrow is the watch-along of “Heaven Sent”, an episode that is closer to my heart than any other Doctor Who episode for various reasons. One is that after I lost my soulmate last year, I discovered the Twelfth Doctor right when I needed him the most and this episode is for me a perfect description of how grief feels like. You are trying to smash a wall tougher than diamond and no matter what you do, your loved one will still not be there.
> 
> It is painful to watch.  
> It is beautiful to watch.  
> It is comforting to watch.
> 
> They say that when soulmates die, the one who died is the lucky one and I feel it’s true. 
> 
> What breaks me each and every time is that the image the Doctor creates of Clara in his storm room, his head TARDIS, tells him the opposite of what the real Clara would tell him to do. She wouldn’t want him to torture himself, she would probably slap him and hug him and tell him to stop. That he should accept that she’s gone and that he needs to rise above it and carry on being a Doctor. Yet, she’s not there to tell him that, which will lead to the even more tragic ending: the only way he can gain resilience is to forget her completely.
> 
> If I put myself in the shoes of Clara after the events of “Hell Bent” I think that the 4.5 billion years of torture her Doctor has endured to bring her back will haunt her the whole time she travels the universe with Ashildr. She would try to do everything to spare him the pain. Please accept this little headcanon episode of mine.

_The Universe, probably April 14 somewhere_

_My Doctor,_

_I’m writing to you because you don’t always listen to me and there is something important that I want you to understand. I hope you read it at least, you stupid old man._

_Travelling together with you makes me happy, being together with you in general makes me happy._

_Yes, it includes being in danger. And we have been in enough dangerous situations to know, to absolutely know, that things don’t always end in a good way and life can end the very next minute._

_Please understand that I never asked for your protection. I never assume to come out of an adventure alive. That’s not how it works. If something happens to me, I was absolutely aware of the risk and I took it on me willingly. It is never your fault if something happens to me. Stop assuming that._

_While we are at it: stop assuming that everything is your fault in general. You might not always be able to save the day. Sometimes you might not even be able to save a single life. That’s not how it works. But if you wouldn’t try, there would be no hope for rescue at all and this would make the universe a terrible, cruel, cold place to live in._

_You asked me once if you were a good man and I told you I didn’t know. I tell you now: you are a good man. Not because you always get it right, but because you always try to get it right. And this, my grey-haired stick-insect of a Time Lord, makes you the best man I know._

_This letter is also my last will and I want you to respect and follow it at all cost: If I get killed, may it be on purpose or by accident, I want you to accept it. Don’t take revenge if someone killed me. Don’t try to change the events that led to it. Don’t try to beat death itself. Death is an inevitable part of living and no matter how much you hate endings, there is an end to everything. Don’t try to find out if there is a hell or an afterlife to bring me back from because, listen to me, you daft old man: I don’t want you to bring me back, no matter how much your brain tries to tell you that I want you to do it. I lived a wonderful life running by your side and if I die, I die happy and while doing what I loved doing: travelling and fighting monsters with you._

_I know you will be lonely and sad when I’m not with you anymore. But please, don’t let that change you. Don’t forget that you chose your name on purpose. You are a healer. This universe needs a healer, it needs this Doctor. And this Doctor needs companions to remind him that life is beautiful. Don’t withdraw from the universe. Travel to the stars and look for the people with the sparkle in their eyes, the ones who ask the right questions, the ones who challenge you and nudge you to be the best version of yourself._

_Run, you clever man, and be a Doctor._

_I will always love you._

_Clara_

“You know it won’t work,” Ashildr leaned leisurely against a shelf in the library, watching as Clara carefully folded the letter and put it in an envelope.

“Hope springs eternal,” Clara smiled, brushing away some tears.

“We have been through this over and over again. Yes, you might be able to place this in his jacket before you visit Rigsy and his family. Yes, he might even read it. But no, you will never stop this man from torturing himself and bringing you back from the dead. That’s him, that’s how he is. He will never accept he lost you and no letter from you and no other force in this universe will ever change that. And besides, it would create a major paradox because if he respects your wish, you will never be able to write this letter in the first place.”

“I grant you that the chances are 4.5 billion to one,” Clara answered as tears filled her eyes again, “but I would risk all of time and space for this one chance.”

“Idiots in love,” Ashildr shrugged as she started towards the console room. 

“Seems like it,” Clara replied as she placed a kiss on the letter before following her.

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy the #HellOfABird watch-along tomorrow. And always remember that, quite like the Clara in the head TARDIS of the Doctor, our brain not always tells us what is true. It can play cruel tricks on us, causing us to torture ourselves instead of rising above the pain and the grief to look around us and see the light and the good things in our life. So, listen to your brain and your heart, but at the same time, listen to the people who care about you. 
> 
> Always know that you are more loved that you think.


End file.
